When I was young, I loved cutting down trees. I had a little bowsaw and a hatchet and would go out into the woods with one of our family friends to cut a few trees.

He was after firewood, of course, while I was after some entertainment. He was not what you would call proper supervision.

So, John’s tree woes this week intuitively seem easy to deal with. Just go sharpen the axe and get to work chopping. Seems straightforward. You want the tree to not fall on your house, just cut it down. John, too, did his share of going out in the woods and cutting trees, what’s the problem?

Well, there’s the whole issue of the tree falling.

I actually have a tree between my house and my neighbour’s house that has to come down. It is a fast-growing maple, it doesn’t seem to have a main trunk, and it’s currently towering over the back end of my house. It was bad when I moved in here 8 years ago. Now it appears to be thirty feet taller.

Or maybe I’m getting shorter.

Anyway, I thought about cutting it when I first moved in. But there are power lines in the way in one direction and houses in the way in two other directions. My neighbour had an aluminum swimming pool sitting in the other direction, so the tree never went anywhere – other than up.

Now, it’s too late to cut any of it. It’s astonishing how much a tree can grow when you really want it to wither and die.

I have a good example of that, actually. On the other side of my house is a chain-link fence that belongs to the park next door. About six years ago, I took my reciprocating saw and cut down what I thought was a sumac tree that was growing twisted through the links of the fence. I cut it off at the ground. Within a year, it was growing again, quickly, still twisting through the fence. It now has a trunk two inches thick, is much taller than the fence, and droops over my yard. Why didn’t I cut it down? I like the leaves. But I noticed last year that it isn’t a sumac, since sumac trees don’t normally have walnuts growing on them.

Now, really, would I be able to convince a walnut tree to grow if I wanted one to? No. I could plant a million walnuts, maybe one would sprout. It would grow four inches then keel over and die.

But if it’s growing through a fence, it’s like it’s found some secret stash of natural growth hormone.

Ah, but just wait. Guaranteed, it will only grow big enough to have enough mass to take the fence with it when it falls over.

Back to the other side of my house, I have actually considered renting several lifts of scaffolding and erecting a tower around the enormous tree and cutting it off a couple of feet at a time. I can climb scaffold, I can’t climb trees.

I only considered that long enough to think it was stupid.

I don’t actually think it’s stupid. I just know I won’t do it.

As for John’s tree, the one on the north side of his house which is sagging over and threatening, if you tried to play lumberjack and fell that tree, it would probably only be able to fall on the house.

I remember going out to the woods one day with my father to cut some trees. He had a piece of land and wanted it cleared for some reason. I don’t actually know the reason, since I don’t think he ever went back there again. Frankly, it was a mostly useless piece of land out in the middle of nowhere. Anyway, he was cutting and I was walking back to the truck when I felt a swipe down the back of my neck. It was the very tip of the tree he just cut.

He thought it was funny.

Trees are not to be trusted. They look so nice and pleasant, so sheltering and peaceful. But they’re just waiting for you to turn your back. And when you do, they’ll be after you.

Luckily there are people who know how to get rid of them without letting them punch a hole in your wall or fall on your roof. People with experience, knowledge, and equipment. You know, not just an axe.