Winter seems to be finally drifting off into another nine month sleep. Spring is in the air, the birds are singing, and all the trees are budding.
So, it’ll soon be time to mow the lawn. Oh, great.
One of my first purchases after moving into this house was a lawnmower. No, it didn’t have a powerful gas engine. Nor could I sit on it while it moved around on its own. In fact, I had the brilliant idea that I would be dedicated enough to use a push mower. So, I got one of those fine mechanical inventions, with its fascinating contraption of spinning horizontal blades, and began to regularly mow the grass.

Perhaps 80 or 90 years ago, or whenever they first made such things, they were actually practical to use. But mine features a handle that will not stay straight. They made it such that it would easily fit into the shipping box and used some sort of bizarre plastic clamp to elongate and hold it rigid. Well, it doesn’t work. You are happily pushing the thing along, you hit a bump, and it folds up. Then you need to waste a minute fixing it.

It’s kind of like riding a bicycle and having the chain pop off every few feet. You get where you’re going, but you are also slowly filled with murderous intent.

That mower did a fine job of keeping the grass nice and tidy for one summer. Well, perhaps it didn’t do a very good job. In truth, it really did a very mediocre job. I had to go out every week or the grass would get too long for it. When you use it on long grass, it simply knocks it all flat. That’s like going to the barber and, instead of him cutting your hair, he just pats your head a bit, takes your money, and sends you on your way.

So, after a year, I replaced it. I did not get a powerful gasoline mower. It has no wings, does not do tricks, nor can it also mix me a margarita. It runs off the solemn mystical power of electricity, which it gets from a long yellow extension cord I already happened to have in my possession.

I am of the opinion that such things should last longer than they do. So, when the blade started to get dull, I sharpened it with my grinder. When the blade started to rotate unevenly, I discovered it was mounted on an flange that was only attached by friction. In other words, any knock against the blade would set it off its proper centering. I think perhaps the wrong part was used, because nothing should cause the blade to get knocked lopsided. So, I fixed that by welding the blade to the flange.
The flange locks into a plastic ring, though. And that I find pretty peculiar. So, since the flange is locked to the blade, whenever the blade hits something, the flange digs into the plastic a bit. Soon, that will break. Ah, but plastic is cheaper than metal. That’s why it’s there.

Also, the wheels keep falling off. And I have needed to spend endless minutes looking for nuts in the grass. I have lost some, actually. I think it happened when I was persuaded to buy this piece of junk.

Since I have such a manly beast of a lawnmower, I very rarely mow the lawn. It can power through taller grass, if you go a few inches and then back it off. It now takes me well over an hour to mow the lawn. Frankly, I’d rather be doing something else.

So, my next plan is to buy a gasoline-powered mower, complete with mini-fridge and beautiful attendant. She can help me when the cord pulls completely out or the gas cap flies off.

The final step will be to pave the lawn.